TOP TEN TIP-OFFS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG AT THE SWEDISH AMERICAN HOSPITAL CAFETERIA

10. The surprise in the "Vegetable Surprise" is a nasty case of        botulism.

 9. Tapioca multiplies by splitting into two new tapiocas.

 8. You see a cafeteria worker straining spaghetti through her hair net.

 7. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they are serving      albino pot pies.

 6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on the hamburger      meat.

 5. They proudly grow their own mushrooms in the nurses' locker      room.

 4. The gravy forms a skull and crossbones in the mashed potatoes.

 3. When you say the name "Steve," your rice pudding shudders      violently as if to say, "Yes! That's me! My name is Steve!"

 2. Chicken a la Vance Barrie.

 1. Occasionally you can see rats stagger out of the kitchen and then      collapse.